An Excerpt from "Robin Artisson's Guide to Ism's"
A Portion of Chapter 11
Taken from "Robin Artisson's Guide to Real Life"



Copyright © 2006 By Robin Artisson
All Rights Reserved.



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MONOTHEISM:

THE STANCE OF SIMPLICITY AND ASSIMILATION

Type: Religious Philosophy

Popularity: Extremely Popular

Theme Song: "Imperial March" from the Star Wars Soundtrack

Quote: "Wow! That's a beautiful belief that your ancestors passed down to you! Thank you for sharing it with me! But here's what you should believe..."

Strengths: Monotheists can claim proud membership in a worldwide club that includes over 2 billion human beings. Despite the fact that there are over 6 billion human beings on the planet, Monotheists carry on as though the other 4 billion were also Monotheists, judging them by Monotheistic standards, and expecting them to adhere to Monotheistic religious and moral expectations. This sort of "lump" thinking offers Monotheists in good standing a great sense of "rightness".

Monotheism offers it's adherents a simple moral code, a simple universal explanation for all things, and an unmatched ability to piss off practically every other Ism, no matter what. Another strength is that Monotheists, through sheer numbers, can overpower most voting systems, even forcing so-called "secular democracies" to work according to their whims.

Weaknesses: Monotheism is the least flexible Ism. Its sterling simplicity, (seen as oversimplicity by practically ever other religious Ism) is not easily abandoned, so Monotheists tend to be very defensive, narrow, and anti-social in their thinking, and in the behavior motivated by their thinking. In the past, this included killing non-monotheists; now it usually means living in a Red state.

Monotheism is Dependant on some form of the spiritualist/dualistic school of philosophy when it comes to explaining how everything came to be, and this school of philosophy has more logical holes in it than a colander.



ATHEISM:

THE STANCE OF THE MEANINGLESS UNIVERSE

Type: General Philosophy

Popularity: Moderate

Theme Song: "Imagine" by John Lennon (for the intellectuals) and "Chaos AD" by Sepultura (for the rest)

Quote: "God is Santa Claus for Adults."

Strengths: No 'Ism' pisses off Monotheists more than Atheism.

Atheism, lacking any theistic backdrop or metaphysical basis for ultimate meaning in the universe, offers its members all the "mental room" they need to justify any behavior or mindset they like.

Atheism is intensely popular among young people who thrill to the idea of a consequence free universe, iconoclastic (and rather arrogant) intellectuals who are thrilled by the ability to ignore and disregard the philosophical thinking of 3000 years of human history, people burned by religious philosophies at any age, or people who just don't care about anything. In the post-modern world, nobody parties quite like an Atheist.

Atheism, for intellectuals and social movers, offers a no-strings-attached way of divorcing themselves from conventional morality, and magnifying any humanitarian or charitable effort that they engage in; after all, no one can accuse them of being a good person for an ulterior motive such as "god" or to "get into heaven". Ironically, this offers the Atheist a fine route to looking like even better human beings than the Monotheists.

Weakness: Atheists are vulnerable to despair, especially after they age a bit, experience actual love and meaningful connection with another person, have children who are grown, and who face old age and death. Atheists tend to lapse into Monotheism during bouts of despair, or tend to stay atheists with mild to severe depression. In the post-modern world, nobody ends up being as lackluster as an Atheist.

Atheists who use the "no ulterior motive" clause when they engage in charity and good deeds end up on pedestals that are as high as any Monotheist. In reality, a pedestal is a pedestal, whether religious beliefs and good deeds put it there, or lack of religious beliefs and good deeds did.

Atheism is largely dependant on the Materialist school of philosophy to explain how everything comes about, and Materialism has almost as many flaws as the Spiritualist/dualistic philosophies that atheists tend to despise.



AGNOSTICISM:

THE STANCE OF NO STANCE

Type: General Philosophy

Popularity: Moderate

Theme Song: "One of Us" by Joan Osborne

Quote: "Well, I don't really think so, but I'm not going to rule it out. I guess I'll wait and see."

Strengths: Agnosticism offers an attractive package for anyone that loves the feeling of sitting squarely on a fence. Without having to deny the existence of things you can't see, hear, measure, or feel, Agnostics also don't have to accept them. In some ways. Agnosticism is a more balanced kind of Atheism. Agnosticism offers a flexibility of thinking, and a touch more restraint, compared to Atheism.

Weaknesses: Balancing on the fence gets uncomfortable after a long while, and most agnostics end up falling off- with most falling off on the Atheist side, and the rest falling into some Religious Theism. Any stance is better than no stance for most people, it seems.

Another weakness is that most Monotheistic people interpret "agnostic" to mean "unconvinced but open to attempts to convince" and tirelessly make the case for Monotheism to agnostics, wherever they find them.

Without meaning to, many Agnostics also rely on the Materialist school of scientific philosophy, along with its flaws- although to be fair, most are just enchanted by it's great efforts to explain everything in terms of physical matter, more than being wholeheartedly accepting of it.



SOCIALISM:

THE STANCE OF SHARING TO DEATH

Type: Social Philosophy

Popularity: Extremely Popular

Theme Song: "Solidarity Forever" by Ralph Chaplin

Quote: "All for one, and one for All! Kick it over, Capitalist Pigs! Get Civilized!"

Strengths: People who live in socialist nations have no medical bills! They also tend to live in cleaner cities, cities with lower crime, and tend to have good teeth. Socialists can rightly look down their noses at capitalists, and as a further benefit, have less vicious forms of Monotheism to put up with, as most of the nastiest Monotheists gather in large numbers in Capitalist nations. Socialists practically never go hungry.

Weaknesses: People who live in socialist nations sometimes die waiting to see the free doctor. They also tend to live in smaller apartments or houses, and have to pay 50-60% taxes. Even with high taxes, some socialist nations seem to have a nightmarish time with their national budgets. Of course, if you are well fed, you can overlook a lot...



CAPITALISM:

THE STANCE OF SELF-CENTEREDNESS

Type: Social Philosophy

Popularity: Widespread and Persistent

Theme Song: "Money" by Pink Floyd

Quote: "The question is not if you win or lose- the question is if I win or lose."

Strengths: Capitalists do not have to think about the welfare of any other humans being except themselves and possibly their families. If they happen to be lucky capitalists, or just born in the right place, and born into a favorable class and racial background, capitalists can afford an amazing variety of foods and pretty things to look at. Capitalist nations produce the most vicious and technically advanced militaries on earth.

Weaknesses: Capitalists do not have to think about the welfare of any other humans being except themselves and possibly their families. If they happen to be lucky capitalists, or just born in the right place, and born into a favorable class and racial background, capitalists can afford an amazing variety of foods, cars, and pretty things to look at. Capitalist nations produce the most vicious and technically advanced militaries on earth.



SECULAR HUMANISM:

THE STANCE OF AUTHORITY QUESTIONED, AND SNOOTY INTELLECTUAL NONSENSE

Type: Social Philosophy

Popularity: Small

Theme Song: "We Are the World" by all those Artists who sang for Live Aid

Quote: "When I became convinced that the universe is natural, that all the ghosts and gods are myths, there entered into my brain, into my soul, into every drop of my blood the sense, the feeling, the joy of freedom." (Robert Ingersoll)

Strengths: Fewer people are hungry when Humanists are around. Fewer homeless people have to sleep in doors or alleys, and there are more secondhand clothes on the market when humanists have influence. Really cool Humanists get to live in Blue states. Secular Humanists could even kill God with kindness and their belief in fairness and open inquiry. Secular Humanism offers a strong dose of revolutionary thinking and social activity to people who aren't ready to give up their wealth or their condos just yet.

Weaknesses: Humanism, on final analysis, is actually a misspelling of "Atheism", and conforms to most Atheist strengths and weaknesses with one exception- Secular Humanist parties are decidedly NOT fun, overflowing with both overprivileged white people AND serious talk about starvation in Africa, protesting, the ACLU, canvasing and passing out pamphlets and registering Voters.



PAGANISM:

THE STANCE OF LIBERATION, BALANCE, AND CONSTANT DRAMA

Type: Religious Philosophy

Popularity: Small but growing in spurts

Theme Song: "Tubthumper" by Chumbawamba

Quote: "There's a full moon out! Let's make a circle! And KEEP YOUR PATRIARCHAL nonsense far away from the Daughters of the Goddess..."

Strengths: Paganism is probably the single religious movement on earth that can claim the most variety. From Wicca, to the various forms of Reconstructionist paganism, to the remains of native faiths and Afro-Caribean syncretisms, Paganism is literally a menu of options that has no end.

Within paganism, there are polytheists, dualists, duotheists, trinotheists, Henothests, Monists, and many other philosophies and paths that haven't even been named yet. If you are looking for a personal, original religious expression, look no further- but more than that, if you are looking for a HINT of what religion was like before Monotheism brought along mass mind-control and called it 'spirituality', this is the place to be.

If you feel a desire to be more in line with pre-Christian ancestry, ancestral customs, or thinking, Paganism is for you, no matter who or where you are. When paganism goes bad (as we shall see below) it REALLY goes bad. But when it is good, it is as good as you can get. If you can ignore the non-stop boyfriend/girlfriend/gay boy/lesbian girl drama that infects 90% of pagan groups and get-togethers, Pagan parties are the easily the best, hands down, for good music, good drinks, other possibly illegal entertainments, getting laid, and bad attempts to act Celtic.

Paganism of almost any form accepts that feminine spirituality and feminine divine forces are as essential as masculine ones, offering women an almost unequaled chance to have full and balanced religious participation, as well as offering men a chance to temper their overgrown masculinity with a dose of badly-needed internal, intuitive spirituality.

Weaknesses: The entire pagan movement is filled to the brim with exactly the kind of people you wouldn't want in the pagan movement. Every sexually repressed or immature man, and power-hungry, man-hating woman in the world that is on the outs with their family or church will end up in some pagan group.

For some reason, the most petty and absurd members of the world's gay and lesbian population are drawn to paganism like flies to shit, turning most pagan groups from a serious religious focus into a non-stop bitch fight. They are aided fabulously in this by every straight "open relationship" and "polyamory" person/couple/orgy group in the world, and they will bring their own nonstop trauma drama to the front lines, complete with "sexual initiations" and many broken marriages. MOST Pagan groups tend to be the domain of the middle-aged and the sexually or religiously bored, and the over-compensating ego of the housewife witch queen.

On top of this, the neo-tribalists and every other flake that hasn't been named will also show up, with a mail-order sword and a fake Gaelic name, to worship the "Great Goddess" with you. Be warned that most of these people will end up being in some position of authority over a group, so be prepared to meet your "High Priestess", who, if you are lucky, actually began life as a woman.

Egos run hot and high in paganism, and half the people who go for paganism want to be powerful witches and wizards, to compensate for their lack of a social life, or for the fact that they were picked on in high school. Most forms of modern paganism lack good scholarship, so you are as likely to find a group of pagans using reputable scholarship to base their beliefs on, as you are to find a group using "The Mists of Avalon" as their guide.

Any social misfit will usually (at least once) try to worm their way into a pagan group; be on the lookout for child molesters, geeks, goths, fetishists, ex-hippies, and any and all people who suffer from psychological conditions.


DON'T BE SCARED AWAY- When a good, solid pagan group is formed, minus egos, minus sexually immaturity, and with good scholarship backed by people who really love the old pagan religions at heart, you find a great fellowship and sanity that can't be found anywhere else. Best of luck to you.