The Art of Worldly Half-Wisdom:
An oracle for modern living
With apologies to Baltasar Gracian


Copyright © 2005 By Robin Artisson
All Rights Reserved.



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What follows is a humorous writing that I did years ago. It is intended to be a guide for what NOT to do- a work of irony. The first time I released this, some people took it too seriously. This is a guide to being shallow, manipulative, and cruel. If you have a sense of humor, I think you will enjoy this. Bear in mind that I don't _actually_ endorse any of these "Half Wisdom Oracles".



The Art of Worldly Half Wisdom:
26 Oracles of Wisdom to get you through life with Much Success


1. SOMETIMES, BEING ELITIST is all a person has. Sometimes Looking down on other people for imagined flaws, seen through a personal lens of selfish, self-serving stupidity is what it takes to feel better about yourself. And feeling good about yourself is important.


2. LYING IS HARD, but it's also the best way of keeping people from knowing the truth, so the trade off is thought by many liars to be worth it.


3. ALWAYS BE POLITE. You have to be polite enough to hang up once a minute and then immediately call back those tele-porn numbers, especially when you are using the phone at a friend's house; after all, most of them are 5.99 for the first minute and .99 for each additional minute, and the last thing you want is for your friends to get charged extra.


4. DON'T EVER FORGET that the Truth is less important than having people approve of you. When people don't approve of you, they are less likely to give you money and sympathy- and those things are important.


5. UPHOLD THE VALUES OF DEMOCRACY and a free society. A nation as large as, say, the United States, is wealthy enough and large enough to have a place for everyone who is christian and who can rouse enough personal denial to ignore the corporate evils that control both of the political parties that actually run the national charade. The more free a society seems, and the more it touts itself as such, the more you can measure the level of denial that infests the place like a black, stinking cloud. We call this "Better living through denial". Is there a bright side? Certainly. People in denial spend a considerable amount of energy staying in denial; they miss little details they should be seeing, thus making them easier for you to manipulate.


6. IF YOU EVER HAVE A CHOICE, choose to be as friendly as possible to everyone, even if you secretly disagree with them, or even if you despise them inside. Being friendly and smiling up front puts people at ease, and they lower their guard. With time, they may give you a measure of trust that can be exploited when you finally decide to screw them over. This is the meaning behind the old saying "It's better to make friends than enemies".


7. THEY SAY THAT TRUE LOVE is self love. Truer words were never spoken. You should be so passionately in love with yourself that you can, with all honesty, think of yourself as the best lay you ever had.


8. SOME PEOPLE SAY that they don't care what others think. That's absurd. What others think is very important, because when you know what others think, you can easily and quickly identify who is dangerous, stupid, easy to manipulate, or (sometimes) your equal. Of all these kinds of people, the most threatening are those you feel are your equal. Be as friendly to them as possible and never let them out of your sight.


9. THEY SAY THAT THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE are free. That's true enough; but before you can have the clothes, the car, and the entertainment system needed to reach the best things in life, you will need money.


10. THERE ARE PEOPLE who are willing to believe anything. It can be very hard to have anything but contempt for these people, but if you consider what an advantage their ignorance gives you, you can find real love and acceptance for them.


11. NEVER BETRAY a true friend. It is very foolish, because "true friends" are exceedingly rare. The best way not to betray is simply not to make "true friends" at all; for most purposes, it's better to keep 'toilet paper friends' around, and wipe at will. However, as operations of success and pleasure increase in complexity, you may find that a true friend is necessary. If this becomes the case, you have to find the balance between accepting someone as your mental equal, and being able to trust the same. The secret to True Friendship is twofold: 1. True Best Friends almost always hate the same people; and 2. True Best Friends have good "give and take" relationships to the extent that each of their manipulations are aided by the other, and are never at the other's expense.


12. WORLD RELIGIONS tell us that there is a penalty for how we choose to live. What you do in life, many say, has some bearing on what shall come after. Allow me to illustrate with a story. One night I dreamed that an angel came into my bedroom- it was the most realistic dream I have EVER had. This angel was crying, in anger and sadness, and she told me, and CRIED OUT at me to change my ways- she said that I was leading a life of poisonous lies and manipulation, and hell awaited me as a result. Then, she showed me a vision of Hell- and even as I type this, it gives me goose bumps to recall it... the sounds of the damned were like billions of people choking on shards of ice. There was a smell like open graves with fecal matter poured into them. The angel begged me to stop using other people like they were sheets of toilet tissue, and then, suddenly I woke up. I remember rolling over in bed and thinking "oh DAMN! I'm glad THAT was just a dream!" You should never take dreams too seriously.


13. PEOPLE THAT ATTEMPT to come between you and your physical pleasures should be silently and with dignity ignored, and cut out of your life.


14. WHEN THE TRUTH IS PLAIN, the Fates are answering you. Life is not fair; anyone can see that. This is how the Fates tell us "NO RULES". Rules are, at heart, little wires that people in control run into the brains of people who aren't in control. Rules have one use only: they help to protect you from the random and sudden stampedes of the human herd. Those wires shock people into staying pretty much in one place. Learn to walk in-between, and help yourself to what you can carry away.


15. DEVIL TAKE THE HINDERMOST is what the old witches used to say when they danced. There is much wisdom to be found here- In general, the faster you can move, the less likely you are to be the one blamed for anything. In the very least, you are less likely to be caught. And there is a very important relationship between who is caught and who is blamed. In theory, people who are caught also get blamed. What you must master is the art of what I like to call "Bi-locationality"- Even when you are caught, blame can be assigned elsewhere. This is a very useful skill to acquire and cultivate.


16. NOTHING COULD BE WORSE than accepting blame for anything. Blame is for slow people, who also go by the name "victim" Always work as closely as you can with wronged people to help them find good places to put blame, especially if you are partly the cause of their woes. The more they think of you as a helpful means to lay blame somewhere, the less likely they will be to think that you might deserve some. And let's face it; what people deserve and what they get are not the same thing; life isn't fair; so why should it start being fair with you? There was plenty of time for life to get fair before you were born, and plenty of chances for it to become fair after you are gone- no need to save the world yourself! This is the wisdom of "not biting off more than you can chew."


17. SOMETIMES, when you look back at how you think and act, conscience may bother you; you may feel that you are acting cynical and self-centered. You may have pangs of guilt or concern that you have used people or been falsely friendly. There is a simple answer to this problem: remind your conscience that you've gotten the both of you THIS far, and ask it if it often bites the hand that feeds it. When it feels guilty enough for reprimanding you, then tell it to stop complaining, and it will do so, to avoid feeling worse.


18. THERE IS NO REASON to be over-manipulative and shitty to people. Only be as manipulative and shitty as the world requires. To be over- manipulative and over-shitty is actually too much work, and it interrupts the pleasure you acquire from being adequately manipulative and shitty. Thus, we can see that to be over-manipulative and shitty is self-defeating. A self-defeating life is not worth living.


19. AN OLD SAYING SAYS that you should never talk about yourself; that will happen when you leave the room. This saying shows a great deal of cleverness and insight. Since you will be talked about when you leave the room, and since you will have wisely held your tongue in regards to yourself, how you dress becomes very important. Always dress well. Just dressing well can make up for defects in personality and lack of character. First impressions are so very important.


20. THINK ABOUT LOVE carefully, and do not think that Love is vulnerable to your manipulations. Love is the greatest manipulator of all. No matter how much you think you know about Love, it always knows more. No matter how careful you think you are around it, you aren't careful enough. The day you need idiot enrichment training, try Love- and be prepared for your heart to make the sound of a Trash bag with 40 gallons of Tomato Soup in it hitting the pavement after falling from the tenth story. Make the following connection: Love=Getting Caught. Only venture into Love when you are not at a risky point in your plans, and only when you are willing to accept a superior force into your life. Of course, when such a thing becomes intolerable, you can always run away and hide until the broken hearts you leave behind stop beating and turn to dust, but that takes a long time and has a way of catching up with you later. In other words, it's a long term investment no matter how insensitive you are. So be careful. In these matters, we can see how being shallow can sometimes be an advantage.


21. DON'T LEND precious things to people, no matter what. Only lend unimportant things, but always act like these things are very important when you lend them. If the things don't get returned, you can write off the fool and laugh about it; for the simple cost of something unimportant to you, you got rid of an untrustworthy fool and a leech. If only everything was so easy!


22. ALWAYS ACCEPT APOLOGIES, because even the best liar, the most well thought-out manipulator, and the most self-sufficient elitist scumbag occasionally has to apologize, and few tools are more useful for guilt tripping people into accepting your apologies than the mere fact that you accepted one of theirs before. The key is to play down what you are apologizing for and to play up that time you accepted an apology from them. But do not overuse this tactic, or your insincerity will be all too plain.


23. SOME PEOPLE SAY that Love makes the world go 'round. Other people say that Money makes the world go 'round. I say they are both right- in truth, it is Love of Money that makes the world go 'round.


24. AS YOU WALK ON THE STREETS, sometimes, people will come up to you asking for money. This is why it is good to learn a few phrases in a foreign language, or to simply invent some foreign sounding phrases and commit them to memory, so that you can hold your hands up and blather these things at the person asking for money. They usually get the point quickly and leave you alone, and onlookers won't think that you are a greedy, uncharitable person.


25. INSINCERITY is the name of the game. Insincerity is the key to successful careers and social life; never would you think to tell a woman with a terrible hair cut that her haircut looks like crap, when she walks up to you, smiles, and asks you what you think about it.


26. IN THE END, it all boils down to Sex. Sex is the holy grail; orgasm is the moment of true and ultimate satisfaction. Sure, it fades rather quickly, but you can always have more orgasms. That orgasmic sensation is what all music is written to get to; it is the ultimate reason why women put make-up on, or that anyone gives a care about their appearance. Sex and orgasm is the Omega Point of the human experience; drug addicts are shooting up and snorting to reach a similar feeling; more money is spent on drugs to improve sexual performance, and on toys to spice things up, and on clothes to arouse, than on food. Sex is the fastest way to anyone's heart; the best thing you can do, whether you be man or woman, is learn how to perform oral sex and learn how to perform it well, because no one turns it down and no one faults anyone for being good at it. The more power you command in matters sexual, the more power and influence you will have over humans, in general.